4.16.2014

Holding onto hope.

I need a baby. I need a place to say that out loud. I need a place to be honest. So this is it.

My son will be three in August. He's adorable, amazing, and brightens every day of my life. I love him dearly and I want to do it all over again. Every day that I look at him I see how grown he is. Sure, when you think of a two year old, you think baby, but no. This is a kid. He's growing too fast. I'm sure one day I'll look back on these days and remember how little he was, but right now, he's big. He's getting smarter and bigger every day. I need time to stop.

The plan was never to have just one child. I always wanted three or four. That was my plan anyway. God's plan doesn't always match up to ours. We've spent almost 2 years trying to conceive a second child and nothing has happened. All of 2013 was spent at fertility clinics with blood work, ultrasounds, shots, prescriptions, and more. We've spent thousands of dollars and the emotional roller coaster was putting a toll on my sanity and my marriage. I couldn't take the ups and downs. The hope followed by the depression. Our savings account was depleted and we decided to take a break.

We said a year. Wait until January 2015. See what happens. Maybe we'll get a miracle, maybe not, but we needed a break. The first month "off" of our treatments was amazing. I felt so free. I was at peace. This continued for a few more months. Then about a month ago the fever started coming back. I don't know what it is about spring, but there are births everywhere and pregnancy announcements multiple times a day. It's getting to me again. I find myself longing for a newborn.

When you work in the cloth diaper industry, you can't really block out the new babies. Babies need cloth diapers. There's no escaping it. It's a daily struggle not to be jealous and sad. I'm always left wondering why not me. Why can't my son be a big brother? Why can't we have just one more? Just one. I've long forgotten of my dream to have three or four. Two would be heavenly.

The thing is, I look to our future and I can see it. I can imagine us as a family of three. It's beautiful and I love it. I know my life would be full of love and life. But I can't help but hold on to the hope and the dream of another baby. Just one more. One more chance to watch my belly grow and to feel beautiful because of the life inside of me. Just one more chance to snuggle a newborn and to fall in love with a tiny being. One chance to watch my son become a big brother.

I want to say I feel cheated, but I don't. I know I'm lucky. I'm incredibly blessed to have my son. There are couples that long for just one baby and can't even have that. The guilt sets in and I look to my son and thank God for him. But none of that changes my desire for another. I still long for one more.

We said we wouldn't move in 2014 unless God makes that clear. It's April and he hasn't spoken. So we'll wait. No IVF, no adoption, no doctor appointments. Just waiting. Praying for a miracle. Praying for patience. Praying that God will help me through each pregnancy announcement, each birth, each tear.


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