Just a disclaimer before I pour my heart into this blog post. I know I will get some negative comments. Someone is going to tell me to get over myself, that I need to move on or just be happy for other people. Many people will never understand the feelings I have and that's okay! Honestly, it's fine. If you are lucky enough to never have to experience the pain and longing caused by infertility, I truly am happy for you. For those of us that have suffered, it is a very hard road. This blog is my site and my place to write my feelings. My therapy. By writing these words and being able to "say them out loud", I am able to grow, to process my feelings and to move forward. Thank you for reading and thank you for your kindness!
I put up walls. Mentally, not outwardly. Facebook is full of friends, acquaintances, old classmates, and relatives. Most of my news feed is clogged with group posts from the tons and tons of cloth diaper groups I belong to. I rarely see business or blog pages and even friend posts are hidden among the cloth diaper chatter. None of this is by choice and honestly, I long for the old days of Facebook when you just completed sentences about yourself ("Jenny is .....") and sent badges to your friends to pin on their walls. Things were simple back then. Now Facebook is full of thoughts, information, drama, and whatever else people want to share. But really this post isn't a rant about Facebook. Facebook is a part of my job and as much as I dislike it some days, I love it others.
The problem is not being able to filter out things on Facebook. It happens almost every day. I log in to Facebook and put my guard up. I just know that at any moment a pregnancy announcement is going to pop into my feed. The truth is, I start putting these mental walls up around the time babies turn a year old. That's around the time that I expect a lot of my friends will start trying for more children. Some pregnancies happen way before then and many don't happen for months and months later, but I know it's coming. So I try my best to guard my heart and prepare for the ultrasound picture, the big brother or sister announcement, whatever adorable thing they've concocted to announce that another baby is on the way. And every time I see one, I catch my breath. The sadness sets in and the infertility once again begins to consume me.
It's not just on Facebook. I do at gatherings too. Whenever I find myself in a room full of young moms I worry that I will be hit with the news of a new baby on the way. It happened a few weeks ago. I met a group of moms for coffee. I honestly was worried one mom was going to have news and tried to prepare myself mentally. Instead, another mom showed up with her very new newborn. It hurts and it's hard, but it's life.
I am suffering from infertility. My husband and I don't get to have another baby. My son doesn't get to be a big brother. But not these other families. My infertility doesn't (and shouldn't) stop the rest of the world from growing their families and excitedly announcing it. The truth is, these moms, dads, siblings, families should be excited! They should share their news with everyone and on Facebook in the most adorable way that they choose. Babies are blessings and should be celebrated.
But for me, I need time. Time for the news to sink in. Time for the pain from the reminder that once again we aren't pregnant and my body is failing us. At home my mood may fall. I may cry. I may pour my heart out to my husband or on this blog. I get over it. I move on. I'll come to your baby shower if you invite me and tell you all about cloth diapers if you are interested. It's all part of the healing process.
It may not sound like it, but I've come a long way in three years. The infertility doesn't consume me like it once did. I've found a lot of peace. Most days are good days, but the bad days still come. The pregnancy announcements still sting. The newborns still make me long for my own.