4.16.2014

Holding onto hope.

I need a baby. I need a place to say that out loud. I need a place to be honest. So this is it.

My son will be three in August. He's adorable, amazing, and brightens every day of my life. I love him dearly and I want to do it all over again. Every day that I look at him I see how grown he is. Sure, when you think of a two year old, you think baby, but no. This is a kid. He's growing too fast. I'm sure one day I'll look back on these days and remember how little he was, but right now, he's big. He's getting smarter and bigger every day. I need time to stop.

The plan was never to have just one child. I always wanted three or four. That was my plan anyway. God's plan doesn't always match up to ours. We've spent almost 2 years trying to conceive a second child and nothing has happened. All of 2013 was spent at fertility clinics with blood work, ultrasounds, shots, prescriptions, and more. We've spent thousands of dollars and the emotional roller coaster was putting a toll on my sanity and my marriage. I couldn't take the ups and downs. The hope followed by the depression. Our savings account was depleted and we decided to take a break.

We said a year. Wait until January 2015. See what happens. Maybe we'll get a miracle, maybe not, but we needed a break. The first month "off" of our treatments was amazing. I felt so free. I was at peace. This continued for a few more months. Then about a month ago the fever started coming back. I don't know what it is about spring, but there are births everywhere and pregnancy announcements multiple times a day. It's getting to me again. I find myself longing for a newborn.

When you work in the cloth diaper industry, you can't really block out the new babies. Babies need cloth diapers. There's no escaping it. It's a daily struggle not to be jealous and sad. I'm always left wondering why not me. Why can't my son be a big brother? Why can't we have just one more? Just one. I've long forgotten of my dream to have three or four. Two would be heavenly.

The thing is, I look to our future and I can see it. I can imagine us as a family of three. It's beautiful and I love it. I know my life would be full of love and life. But I can't help but hold on to the hope and the dream of another baby. Just one more. One more chance to watch my belly grow and to feel beautiful because of the life inside of me. Just one more chance to snuggle a newborn and to fall in love with a tiny being. One chance to watch my son become a big brother.

I want to say I feel cheated, but I don't. I know I'm lucky. I'm incredibly blessed to have my son. There are couples that long for just one baby and can't even have that. The guilt sets in and I look to my son and thank God for him. But none of that changes my desire for another. I still long for one more.

We said we wouldn't move in 2014 unless God makes that clear. It's April and he hasn't spoken. So we'll wait. No IVF, no adoption, no doctor appointments. Just waiting. Praying for a miracle. Praying for patience. Praying that God will help me through each pregnancy announcement, each birth, each tear.


10 comments:

  1. I pray for you often! Praying for a miracle in one way or another!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I struggle with PCOS as well, and infertility is one of the most, if not the most, challenging thing I've ever gone through. I'm lucky enough to have conceived relatively quickly in the IF world (after about a year and a half,) and it's amazing how guilty I feel being pregnant while there are still thousands of women out there who have been trying harder for much longer. I hope with all of my heart that you will get the chance to hold and fall in love with a second child.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for writing this. We have been doing fertility treatments as well for 6 months with no luck. It's a marriage testing experience to say the least. And it feels like such a lonely suffering as all the pregnancy announcements pop up. Thank you for making my heartache less lonely. I'll be saying prayers and sending baby dust your way

    ReplyDelete
  4. We tried for over a year and a half with our first before discovering a thyroid condition that I had that doesn't show up on typical thyroid tests. It was such a difficult time, but I'm hoping your putting it out there helps even a little with the process. I'm sending prayers and hopes your way!

    ReplyDelete
  5. My heart breaks for you in a different place. I remember the ache that you feel so deeply between my oldest and youngest and the discontent that doesn't make sense. I think of you often and pray for you. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  6. God bless. It's hard...and I'm sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Secondary infertility (whether you struggled the first time or not) is especially hard since you deal with that twinge of guilt like you should be happy with the one you have. It is so hard. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is almost exactly the same as my story. We tried since my son was 10 months old. Went through everything and so many ups and downs, pokes and prods, testing and money all for not. And then I really had enough and had to soul search for a long time. I didn't want to be done, I wanted my son to be a big brother and I ached for a new baby. I finally had to let it go and I was finally at peace with it being ok to have my miracle son and it being ok to not have anymore. It was a undervalued and joy flooded into our marriage and family again. Right before Christmas we decided to try again with 'very minimal intervention, just femara to get me to try and ovulate and I also temped. I was so in shock when I populated and we conceived. Our children are almostv4 years apart to the day and my daughter is such a miracle and blessing. I truly believe I had to let go and make peace before it would all come together. Pcos is such a hard card to have been dealt when I so badly wanted to be a mom. I am praying for you and your family, I pray for peace and acceptance and that you will get that baby in your arms soon.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh my god yes! I have decided to forgo fertility treatments this year and I've been so tore to pieces, I've been so on the verge of bawling every time someone else is pregnant, and I've been looking to God. Finding scriptures for patience, I've been wanting more than anything another child. Just know you're not alone, and I'll pray you find a way through your PCOS, the way I'm trying to find mine.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...